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The Connection Prescription

Writer's picture: Kelly FieldKelly Field

Could your most difficult relationships actually be hiding important benefits for your self-growth?



Valentine’s day this year has got me thinking about relationships and how the ebb and flow of love mirrors the tides of life itself, sometimes calm, sometimes stormy, always shaping us…And yet in an age of ‘cancel culture’ and ‘ghosting’, where connections are hatched and dispatched with little more than a cursory finger swipe, it feels more vital than ever to explore the huge potential for growth that may be lying hidden within even our most difficult relationships.


Many of my friends often move from one relationship to another, hoping to learn something new about themselves and what they do and do not want in their lives after each one ends. If you’re only looking for short term fun, this way of dating can be a harmless exploration of options. However, if you find yourself wanting a stable, long-term relationship this pattern can seriously damage your mental well-being, leading to –


  • Loss of Identity: Constantly adapting to new partners means losing touch with your own needs, interests, and values. You might neglect your friends, family, and hobbies, becoming overly dependent on others for validation and happiness. This leaves you feeling adrift and unsure of who you truly are.


  • Loss of Intimacy: Superficial connections replace deep intimacy. Fear of vulnerability prevents authentic sharing, and unresolved conflicts are swept under the rug instead of being addressed. This pattern creates a cycle of fleeting relationships, lacking the depth and commitment needed for lasting connection.


  • Loss of Trust: Repeatedly breaking hearts – both your own and others' – erodes trust in yourself and your ability to build healthy relationships. Guilt, shame, resentment, and cynicism can emerge, leaving you feeling pessimistic about love and connection.


“You could date someone new every three months and have a lot of fun. But there is no growth in the cycle of just flirting, hooking up, and ditching. It is this ongoing growth and understanding that helps us sustain the fun of love, the connection of love, the trust of love, the reward of love. If we never commit, we’ll never get to love.” - Jay Shetty


The Gestalt approach to relationships encourages us to look beyond seeking comfort and smooth interactions with others. It directs us to focus on the challenging, frustrating, confusing, and difficult aspects of others as opportunities for personal growth. According to Gestalt’s paradoxical change theory, it is only by staying with what is uncomfortable and challenging, that genuine transformation and growth can happen. Equally, Gestalt thinking suggests that others reflect parts of ourselves that we may not fully accept, providing us with a chance to enhance our self-acceptance. This unconscious search for our hidden selves is why we are drawn to people different from us, initially enjoying the diversity but later struggling with it even in the best situations.


Gestalt teaches us that we have never lived in isolation. From our time in the womb, we have been adapting and expressing our relationships with space, time, acceptance, and rejection. Our entire lives have been shaped by our interactions with others. Every aspect of ourselves has been influenced by how others perceive or respond to us.


Here’s a few reasons why:


  • Social Feedback: We learn about ourselves through others' reactions. Praise boosts our sense of competence, while criticism can leave us feeling inadequate. And these days, thanks to social media and dating apps, this feedback has become instantaneous and more intense. When I receive praise from friends and loved ones, or I’m liked and followed on social media, I feel on top of the world. But a critical comment can literally unravel me.


  • Cultural Norms and Expectations: Society and our social circles impose implicit rules about what's "acceptable" or "ideal," shaping our self-view and behaviour without us even realising it. This one particularly hit home the other day when I arrived at a bus stop during a torrential rain shower. There was already a line of people standing under the shelter. If I had been the only person waiting, I would have stood under that shelter. Instead, I joined the queue in the rain, behind a man using a newspaper in a futile attempt to keep his head dry. The mere presence of other people influenced my decision on where to stand.


  • Comparisons and Reflections: We continuously compare ourselves to others — friends, colleagues, even celebrities — which can either elevate our self-esteem or drag it down. Comparing ourselves to others is a natural part of being human — and it can be beneficial. Noticing someone else's success can spark our motivation to improve. But, as I discussed last month, these comparisons can become damaging when they leave us feeling perpetually inferior or depressed. In the not-too-distant past, I was definitely a negative comparer when it came to my body – I wanted the ‘perfect’, ‘flawless’, idealised silhouette represented in mainstream and social media and I made myself very ill indeed trying to achieve it.


Think about that for a moment – if you think others see you as confident and assertive, you’re way more likely to act that way; whereas if you believe you’re being perceived as shy or introverted, you might withdraw even more. Sociologist Charles Horton Cooley dubs this the “looking glass self” as essentially, we become a reflection of the way we believe others perceive us.



Even the inner voice we hear, whether we heed it or not, is a product of our relationships. Our emotions, both pride, and sorrow, are intertwined with others even when they are not physically present. We are inherently skilled in relationships, provided our early guides - parents, friends, and mentors – had received proper guidance themselves.


“To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.” - bell hooks

We are taught to desire relationships, but no one teaches us how to truly connect with others. We often notice the symptoms of neurotic or challenging behaviours in our loved ones without understanding the underlying reasons for their actions. These behaviours are often their way of reaching out based on their past experience. Latest neuroscience tells us that this inherent mirroring, driven in part by our mirror neuron systems, means we unconsciously internalise and imitate the emotional states of those closest to us, amplifying both positive and negative interactions.


Similarly, in Gestalt therapy, we explore the root causes of behaviours and learn from how we impact others, even if our intentions are not fully understood. Through experimentation, we strive to achieve that profound connection, known as ‘contact’. If you and your partner are interested in exploring this for yourselves, I have a new monthly couples group starting in March 2025, you can check out the details here.


“Contact is the recognition of otherness. The awareness of difference. It is the boundary experience of ‘I’ and ‘other’.” – Laura Perls

The most challenging lesson in the journey of relationships is understanding that our success in them is closely tied to the other person’s capacity. The key here is that the essence of relating lies not just in our ability to love, which many of us possess, but in our willingness to be open to love, which requires a greater effort. While most of us yearn to be heard, we struggle to truly listen, often resorting to explanations or defensiveness instead of expressing our genuine feelings. We need to keep in mind both our feelings and the feelings of the other person.


Our relationships with others are powerful mirrors that shape how we see ourselves and navigate the world. Social feedback, cultural norms, and constant comparisons influence not only our behaviours but also our sense of self-worth. When we understand these dynamics, we can begin to challenge the narratives that limit the way we love and embrace the complexity of our interactions.


By letting go of the “one-person army” mentality and avoiding placing unrealistic expectations on others, we can focus on real connections that foster mutual understanding and growth. With this new perspective, every relationship becomes an opportunity to uncover hidden parts of ourselves and embrace a deeper self-acceptance.






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