Holy Hell

A Guide to Surviving Your Family During Spring’s Religious Holidays

Photo by Tom Watkins on Unsplash

We’re in the spring holiday season, and with that comes family gatherings, celebrations, and often, religion. Therapists usually save posts like these for Christmastime, but the winter holiday season has become so commercialised that it’s sometimes easier to celebrate because you can focus on the Christmas decorations and gifts rather than the religious aspects the holiday is based on. But many holidays also overlap in spring, Ramadan, Passover, Easter, Holi, and Mother’s Day just to name a few. No matter where you are or what you practice, there is a chance that some kind celebration is taking place near you.

It isn’t always front of mind how difficult these holidays can be for people who are estranged from their family and who have distanced themselves from their family because of religion. Things can get tense quickly at the dinner table if you go into these situations without any tools for handling conflict with family.

This blog is a guide to help handle conflict. It may not always be easy, but a few simple tactics can assist in easing the tension at your next family gathering.

1.        Finding Common Ground in a Tense Family Environment: 

Do family lunches and dinners often feel like more of a battleground than a nice gathering? Do you often find yourself overstimulated, in constant fight or flight mode relatives? Does being around family remind you why you don’t spend much time around said family? This is more of a common experience than you think. Some families are naturally boisterous, and sometimes conflict and confrontation can be normalised through cycles of generational trauma.

It's not easy to be the cycle breaker, but one thing you may want to try is finding common ground. Think of something you’ve heard almost everyone agree on, maybe it’s a sports team, a movie, or even a funny childhood memory. When you feel a small break in the tension, introduce the topic into the conversation. Changing the subject, even for a moment might bring a small reprieve not just to everyone at the dinner table, but most importantly, to your nervous system.

2.        Dealing with Religious Conversations You’d Rather Avoid

You may have decided to stop practicing the same religion as your family or stopped practicing religion altogether. Many people make this choice for themselves for many different reasons, but whatever your explanation may be, remember that it is valid.

During the holiday, your family may try to convince you to attend services again. Some family may do this in a good-natured way while other may use threatening tactics. If calmly reminding them of your reasons for stepping away from religion doesn’t work, you may want to try de-escalating the situation by acknowledging their concerns without engaging in debate and using ‘I’ statements to express your personal boundaries.

You can then redirect the conversation. Ask them about their own lives outside of church, about a family friend, or even a movie they’ve seen recently. De-escalation and redirection will help keep the peace in the moment.

3.        How to Handle Guilt, Judgment, and Pressure from Religious Family

This  involves staying present with your own emotions and taking ownership of your experience without being consumed by external expectations. Rather than suppressing guilt or resentment, try acknowledging these feelings as valid responses to the situation.

When faced with judgment, you might wish to try practicing self-awareness by noticing your bodily sensations and emotional reactions in the moment, without immediately reacting defensively. "I" statements, such as "I understand that my choice is difficult for you, but I need to honour what feels true for me", is a great way to assert your boundaries.

 Gestalt therapy also emphasises integration—recognising that you can hold love for your family while also maintaining your autonomy. By grounding yourself in the present and focusing on what you need rather than what others expect, you can cultivate self-acceptance and reduce the internal conflict that arises from their pressure.

4.        Setting Boundaries Without Creating More Conflict

Sometimes family may attempt to learn more about your personal life, even the parts you may not be ready to share just yet. One way to navigate these challenges while maintaining your sense of self is by setting clear, intentional boundaries that protect your well-being without escalating conflict.

A quick reminder: a boundary is a limit or rule you set for yourself. This is meant to help you navigate your life and interactions with others. It’s good to remember why you put your boundaries in place and reflect on whether they still serve you, or if you may need new ones.

That said, you should remember your boundaries when in conversation with loved ones. Think about if and where there is room for compromise. Maybe you are ready to tell your parents about the status of your new relationship, but not much more than that. It might be telling your grandma that you are making a career change and although you appreciate her offer for financial support, her emotional support would mean more. Whatever your boundaries are, take time to consider where you can compromise, and where you need to stand your ground.

5.        Self-Care Strategies for Emotionally Challenging Family Gatherings

Family is endlessly complicated. Instead of stressing over attending a church service with your grandparents or helplessly navigating a Mother’s Day brunch, here are a few recentering strategies you can try to remain calm, present, and in your body during moments of distress:

• Box Breathing  - Inhaling, retaining, exhaling and retaining your breath slowly through your nose for four seconds each. Repeating this process four to five times or until you feel more grounded. This technique not only calms your mind but also gives you a brief pause before responding, allowing you to engage with your family in a more composed and intentional way.

• Ground yourself - A great grounding technique for staying calm in tense family situations is the 5-4-3-2-1 method, which brings your focus back to the present moment and away from emotional overwhelm. Here’s how it goes:

5 – Notice five things you can see around you (a lamp, a picture, the color of someone's shirt).

4 – Identify four things you can touch (your clothing, a chair, a cup, the floor beneath your feet).

3 – Listen for three sounds in your environment (background chatter, a clock ticking, birds outside).

2 – Recognise two things you can smell (food, fresh air, perfume).

1 – Focus on one thing you can taste (a sip of water, a mint, the aftertaste of coffee).

This technique shifts your attention away from the emotional intensity of the moment and back into your body and surroundings, helping you stay present and grounded.

• Give it some muscle: A powerful body-based technique for staying calm in tense family situations is progressive muscle relaxation (PMR). This helps release tension that builds up in your body during stressful interactions.

Take a slow, deep inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Then tense a muscle group, beginning with you hands, by making a fist and holding for 5 seconds, then releasing and noticing the sensation of relaxation for 5-10 seconds. Before moving through your body and continuing their process with different areas. End with a deep breath and noticing any difference in your body.

PMR helps interrupt stress responses by bringing awareness to physical sensations and actively releasing tension, allowing you to remain calm and present in difficult family dynamics. And if all else fails -

• Ask for a Time-Out - In the heat of a tense family discussion, emotions can escalate quickly, making it difficult to communicate effectively. A time-out is a conscious choice to step away from the conversation before it becomes overwhelming, giving both you and your family members space to cool down. This is not about avoiding the issue but about preventing unnecessary conflict and ensuring that when you return, you can engage more calmly and productively. Here’s how it works:

• Recognise When You Need One – Pay attention to signs of rising tension, such as a racing heart, clenched jaw, or the urge to react defensively.

• Use Clear, Calm Language – Let your family know that you need a short break rather than walking away abruptly. Try saying:

  • "I want to continue this conversation, but I need a few minutes to collect my thoughts."

  • "I don’t want this to turn into an argument. Can we pause and come back to this later?"

  • "I respect your feelings, and I want to respond thoughtfully. Let’s take a break and revisit this in a little while."

• Step Away and Regulate Yourself – Use this time to practice a calming technique like deep breathing, grounding, or movement (e.g., a short walk).

• Follow Through on Re-engaging – When you're ready, return to the conversation with a more balanced mindset. If needed, set boundaries about how you'd like to communicate moving forward. A time-out allows you to break the cycle of reactive responses, giving both you and your family a chance to process emotions and return to the discussion with greater clarity and respect.

Ultimately, you can’t control how your family behaves, but you can control how you show up. Setting clear boundaries, resisting the bait of conflict, and prioritising your own well-being are acts of self-preservation, not defiance. Whether you’re dodging heated debates, claiming space for yourself, or simply opting out of traditions that no longer fit, remember: you’re allowed to choose peace over performance. This holiday season, let self-care be your sacred ritual.

Thanks for reading this blog! If you found something insightful or interesting, please leave a like or a comment 💛